All That You Can't Leave Behind
by MorrisGrad09
Summary: Set immediately post-Knockout. Castle has just admitted his feelings for Kate, but what happens now that she may not remember what he said and Josh is still in the picture?


A couple of things first: I know there's twelve pages of these finale fics; thanks for taking the time out to read mine. (And, friendly warning, if you're part of the "OMG Josh is EVIL and needs to DIE!" camp, you probably just want to skip this. Because I don't think he's evil.)

Also, thanks to Div and vwlvbugg for their help with the title! Their ideas finally sparked some kind of inspriation.

Starts the moment after Castle pushes her down.

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><p>The world moved in slow motion as the words spilled out of his mouth, and his hands tried to stop the slow stream of blood exiting her body. The words continued to spill out, long after the small smile had graced her features and her eyes had closed; mixed with his own tears and regret.<p>

The words he'd been wanting to say for almost two years.

The words that could possibly ruin the best thing that had ever walked into his life.

_Don't waste another minute of it._

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*

Castle wanted to throw his phone across the room like he had the glass of scotch the other night. He was trying to call Alexis, but her phone was sending everything straight to voicemail.

_"You've reached Alexis! Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."_

"Damn it." He said to himself. Wherever she ended up going for college; she was never allowed the turn the phone off. Especially if she did end up going to college in California.

He pulled out the phone again, holding down the number 2 to speed dial Alexis one more time. "Please pick up." He whispered, praying he'd hear her real voice on the other end of the line.

"Dad!"

That was crystal clear. Too clear to be from a cell phone. He'd never been happier to see his daughter than he was in that moment as she ran down the hospital hall to meet him. Tears stained her cheeks, and the look on Martha's face wasn't much better. He hugged his daughter with a ferocity that he hadn't felt in some time, and had a hard time letting her go again. "Are you two okay?" He asked. "I tried calling you. A lot."

"I think my phone fell out of my bag at the cemetery." Alexis said. "I'm sorry."

"You're here now, and that's all that matters." Castle said as he kissed her forehead. "How did you make it here?"

"Detective Ryan made sure that we were able to get back to the car safely, and told the driver where to take us." Martha said.

_Ryan's getting a hell of a wedding present_, Castle thought to himself.

"Is she okay? Have you heard anything?"

Alexis was shaking like a leaf as she asked those questions, and Castle just hugged her tighter again. "They took her back to surgery right away. At this point, I'm hoping no news is good news." He said.

The next arrival was Jim Beckett, escorted by Esposito as well as Ryan. The older man looked even older; like he could barely stay standing at this point.

"Have you heard anything?" Esposito asked.

"I'm going to go find out." Lanie had walked up to the group and was digging through her purse. "I'm not waiting. I can't."

Esposito put his hand on her arm, and it wasn't until that movement that Castle realized that she too, was shaking like a leaf.

"Dad..." Alexis said slowly, extending his right arm. "You're bleeding."

He shook it off. "It's not mine." He was sure the dizziness he was feeling was just from seeing all of Kate's blood that the bullet had left behind.

Lanie was next to him in a moment, inspecting the area that Alexis had called attention to. "Oh, yes it is yours. You need stitches."

"And waste time of a doctor who could be working on Kate?" He shot back, suddenly uneasy on his own feet. "No thank you."

"Dad..."

The room started to spin, and faster than his eyes could process, he felt two arms work to steady him. "That's it. Castle, you're getting stitches. I'll do them myself if it makes you feel better."

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*

Hospitals were disorienting.

Also, waking up to Lanie Parish was equally as disorienting when he couldn't remember why he had been passed out in the first place. And then he remembered, the events crashing into him like a lightning storm.

"I should hit you." Lanie said as she helped him sit up. "You know how worried your daughter and mother have been? They watched Kate get shot. I thought Alexis was going to pass out from all the stress."

"Where is she?"

"I had them wait outside so I could yell at you." Lanie said. "I pulled wood out of your arm, so either you clipped the podium, or, my better guess is was a branch on the ground. That, and acute shock."

"I told her." Castle said.

"Told who what?" She asked in return.

"Told Kate I loved her." He said. "I told her not to leave."

Lanie looked like she was mentally trying to decide what to say first out of the thousand things she wanted to say. "When?"

"After I pushed her down. After the bullet."

"Castle," Lanie looked like she wanted to say more, but the door opened and Alexis ran in.

"Dad! I heard you through the door." She hugged him again, being careful of his arm. "There's been no change with Detective Beckett. They're still working on her in surgery."

"I'm sorry I worried you." Castle said, hugging her close. "I'll be right out, I just have to talk to Dr. Parish alone for a second."

"Okay." She answered. "We'll be waiting."

Lanie was the first to speak after the door closed again. "I won't say anything, if that's what you're about to ask."

"Thank you."

"But Castle, you have to realize that with this type of injury, there's only a fifty-fifty shot she's actually going to remember anything that happened in the immediate moments after she was shot."

"I know. That's what makes this so much harder."

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*

Josh Davidson was always the enemy in every scenario Castle wrote in his head. He was always nothing other than the roadblock between him and his own novel ending.

But, standing next to the motorcycle-driving doctor in the hallway outside of Kate's ICU room, Castle took his first opportunity to really look over his 'adversary.' And that was all he needed.

He wasn't the enemy; he wasn't just in this to be the guy keeping him from Kate.

_Josh loved Kate._

It was a hard pill to swallow, considering Castle had just confessed his love to her and he had no idea if she'd remember it or not.

The dark circles under his eyes, the rumpled button down shirt he was wearing, and the messy hair on his head told the story. Josh hadn't left the hospital in recent days, either.

"You want to go downstairs and grab a coffee, Rick? They'll page me if anything changes."

Castle resisted the urge to look around and see if anyone else was standing with them. "Sure."

The elevator ride gave new meaning to the word awkward, but Castle blamed that on the fact that he had gotten next to nothing for sleep lately, and he figured it was the same with Josh.

"It's not Starbucks, but the best coffee is on this floor." Josh said as they stepped out. "How are you holding up?" He asked. "Dr. Parish told me about your arm, and what you did for Kate after the shooting. Getting her down and out of the way."

"The arm is okay. As for Ka," he stopped himself for a moment, unsure of what he should call her while talking to her current boyfriend, "As for Beckett, I'll just be glad when she wakes up."

"Me too." Josh said. "Coffee's on me." He said when Castle took out his wallet. "When I met Kate, I was in a bad place." Josh said. "Bad enough to not even think she was real." He added. "Did she ever tell you about how we met?" He asked as they sat down at a table near the kiosk.

Castle shook his head.

"The details don't really matter, but she just had this way about her. When I stopped to admire her bike, I had no idea that I'd find her. And then she asked me to take a ride with her." He said with a small smile.

Josh paused his story and he added milk and sugar to his coffee, giving it a swirl before he replaced the lid. "I could tell something had been bothering her too, and then she told me about the relationship she had just literally gotten out of the week before, and the co-worker of hers that just up and left."

The pieces of the puzzled slammed together in his head like a freight train. Kate had never mentioned when exactly she had met Josh or broke up with Demming, all he had known is that it had taken place over the summer.

She broke up with Demming the same time he had taken off for the Hamptons with Gina to finish Naked Heat.

The next thing he heard was something he most certainly wasn't expecting. "You figured out he loves me. What's your next move, Rick?"

Hearing Kate's voice almost made him fall off his chair, and it didn't go unnoticed by Josh. "You okay there, Rick? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Not a ghost, but close enough. His question shook Castle out of his moment. "Yeah. I'm fine. Probably that whole lack of sleep thing coming up to haunt me." He said.

Josh had to take a phone call then, and from what Castle could hear on his end, it sounded like something had come up with another patient. "Okay. It's going to take me some time to get back up to that wing, but I'll be there as soon as I can." He said, hanging up.

"Another patient?" Castle asked.

He nodded, taking a final gulp of coffee. "I'm sorry I have to cut this short. I actually operated on him the same morning everything happened. He's been a patient of mine for a while now and I just don't want to see anything happen to him. Can we continue this another time?"

Rick nodded. "Sure. I mean, I'll be here." He said, watching him walk away.

_By the way, I'm in love with your girlfriend._

This was not going to be easy. Especially if she didn't remember anything when she woke up, because he was pretty sure he wouldn't have the courage to say it again.

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*

No matter how much he loved his computer, sometimes nothing was better than putting pen to paper. And after his conversation with Josh, putting pen to paper was proving to be extremely therapeutic.

His task? A new dedication for Heat Rises. After the events of the past few months, what he had written just wasn't enough. However, it was proving to be a much harder task than he had initially thought.

Until 7:14 in the morning, when inspiration finally struck.

"Alexis? No, there's still no change." He said into his phone. "Can you bring my laptop to the hospital? I owe Black Pawn some pages, and I have some things to add before I send it off."

As he spoke to Alexis, he took his pen and outlined the letters again, making them stand out on the page from the other bits he had written.

_The words won't ever be enough, but I'm sorry for last summer._

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><p>AN: Woot! Thanks for reading. I know there's a lot of these finale fics floating around.<p> 


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